Casualty of same-sex parenting struggled to find a father’s love

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By Michael Ashcraft and Mark Ellis

"Meg"
“Meg”

Raised by two lesbian mothers, Meg* was an ardent feminist, gay rights and pro-choice activist who fully embraced moral relativism.

Seeing Christians who carried signs that proclaimed “God hates sinners” and “AIDS cures homosexuality” at gay pride parades, Meg seethed against Christians, believing them all to be characterized by hate.

But when she met her boyfriend ‘s parents in college, the Christian stereotype shattered. “They were kind, thoughtful, loving, wonderful people who totally rocked my worldview of what Christians were like,” Meg says.

Her curiosity piqued, she began attending church but spent most of the services crying because she kept thinking, “these people are so brainwashed,” she recalls.

As she listened to sermon after sermon, she realized that part of her resistance toward God came from her own lack of a loving father.

“Because my relationship with my own (biological) father was so messed up, it actually grated against me to think of God as my father,” she notes. “I was going through a huge period of seeking. I was ok by worldly standards – I got good grades, played sports, had friends – but I was a mess inside.”

She criticized sermons. She resisted hugs from people in the church. She argued with church members, “but my heart was crying out for the truth,” she recounts. “I put up a fight and resisted God’s call on me. I was saved by God’s relentless pursuit.”

After marrying, Meg came to grips with the consequences of being raised by two lesbians, she says.

“It wasn’t until my husband and I had children and I watched him with our kids that the full weight of what I’d lost with my own father hit me – and it hit me like a ton of bricks,” she says. “Many people believe that so long as a child has two parents, gender doesn’t matter. But it does. I shouldn’t love my dad, but I do. I should love my ‘other mom,’ but I don’t. I can’t change that, though I’ve definitely tried.”

Meg lost her biological dad before she could remember. He was a lousy father, Meg says, and her mom decided she was gay and wanted to pursue her own happiness with a lesbian lover.

“I love my mom deeply, fiercely, and unconditionally. She is an incredible woman,” she says. “But I cannot pretend that her decision to leave my father and raise me with another woman did not have long-term and devastating consequences for me. I am a casualty of same-sex parenting.”

“We have to recognize that all children of same-sex parents are being raised in brokenness. Something precious and irreplaceable has been taken from us. Two loving moms, or two dads, can never replace the lost parent. I was intentionally separated from my other biological parent and then told that ‘all that matters is love’ and ‘love makes a family.’ Love matters, but accepting and promoting same-sex parenting promotes the destruction of families, not the building of families.

“Do I wish my mom lived a miserable life married to a man she didn’t love? No. I want my mom to be happy,” she says. “But I also wish that she and my dad did love each other and that somehow it could have worked out. Her happiness cost me a great deal.”

Part of the cost was growing up exposed to sexual material when she was only a child.

“I was exposed to a lot of inappropriate things very early on – from the adult toys and pornographic magnets in the local gay and lesbian bookstore, to the men who parade around in S&M costumes at gay pride festivals.”

That in part led her to sexual activity from a young age. “My interaction with and exposure to these parts of the larger gay culture and my missing father created the perfect storm that led to my early sexualization.”

Not having a father created an off-the-charts desire for male attention, she says.

“As I got older, I used attention from boys to try to fill the wound my missing father left. I found myself in two abusive relationships in college because I was looking for the love and approval of a man but I had no idea how a good man should treat me. I accepted almost anyone who would love me.”

Divorce may be necessary some times, but it leaves scars on children.

“When you are separated from a parent, for whatever reason, a wound is inflicted upon you,” Meg says. “I ached for my father to love me. I ached for the father I knew I would never have. Losing my father was a tragedy in my life, and it is a loss that I feel deeply every day. It’s a loss that can be ignored or numbed, for a short time, but never forgotten. Growing up without my dad colored everything about me. I had abandonment issues. I expected and feared that everyone close to me would leave me. Even as an adult I still grieve for what was taken from me.”

Today Meg is happily married and attends a Christian church.

“I struggled with accepting scripture about homosexuality and punishment for unbelievers because I couldn’t see my mom as a ‘bad person,’” she says. “But God was patient and eventually I just could not deny the truth for any longer. Today I joyfully proclaim Christ as my savior and God as my father.”

* Not her real name.

20 COMMENTS

  1. “Her happiness cost me a great deal.” That is the crux of the problem with not only homosexual partners raising children, but divorce as well. Children are sacrificed for the adult’s pleasure. We have adopted the philosophy that only “our” happiness matters and it’s this selfish and destructive mindset that has the devil dancing a jig. Having a child is a blessing from God and we should respect that blessing by doing our best to instill His values into our children. When we only focus on our needs, the blessing from God becomes a second thought and God’s values that should’ve been imparted to the child(ren) are instead, replaced with secular anti-values that corrupt the child(ren). What remains are children who have voids in their souls and will try to fill their souls with futile measures (sex, drugs, homosexuality, transgenderism, alcohol, psychopathy, atheism, etc.). I pray these children find Jesus….he is the only balm that can soothe the troubled and aching soul.

  2. So what you advise a woman in an abusive marriage to do? Stay and let her children learn to accept abuse as normal? Yes, the ideal is two loving parents, but single patents can and do raise well-adjusted children, with God’s help. What a sweeping generalisation to say that all divorced parents have a selfish and destructive mind set.

    • I see your point but in the article, it does say that divorce may be necessary, but the point is decisions adults make have an effect on children. In this case they’ve lost a major half of a would be whole family. Single parents are capable of raising children by themselves with God’s help, but the idea is also for an earthly mother and father to love you as your Father in heaven does. In summary, children are effected by decisions adults make good or bad, there’s no way to getting around that. But if you’re only divorcing because you change your mind about who you are with, or you’re bored, that’s no reason to break up a family. Things like abuse and adultery are grounds for the divorce because the Bible says for each spouse to love one another…you wouldn’t beat yourself up or cheat yourself. That’s just what I take from it, but you’re right not all divorces are for selfish reasons but in your example, good for the safety of the spouse and the child(s).

    • In the article though she does say that sometimes divorce can’t be prevented which would be the case in an abusive situation if the abuse continued and there couldn’t be reconciliation but she also states that the child or children would still be left with scars.

  3. Bringing a child into a homosexual relationship is the most mind numbing act of selfishness I can imagine. People who do this have no concept of what they are submitting another human being to. They cannot possibly love this child. You can’t love someone and sentence them to the living torment of never knowing a father’s love or a mother’s care. How can we keep allowing the gay agenda to continue where it involves innocent children. If we have any social conscience we must speak out against the cancer of abuse. If you don’t understand this, speak to an adult who has been raised in a gay/lesbian environment…they’ll tell you.

  4. To me, when people (homosexuals) who live together and want to adopt children, they are really only thinking about themselves and trying to fulfill a need they actually want to suppress. Little children should not be reared in an environment where they are going to grow up with many perplexities throughout their lives. It is an act of pure selfishness to bring children into their home and think that “love” will conquer all. The truth of the matter is, it is not love but rather it is lust.
    A single parent situation is far different than a homosexual situation. As I said, it is purely a selfish motive to bring children into such a “home” and think they are going to be alright in the end. God is not mocked, what you sew you will reap.

    • A single parent can still share custody of the child with the opposite sex parent, and recognize that relationship is important for the child (assuming no abuse is inherent in it.) But homosexuals rearing children discount the opposite sex parent entirely, and often treat the person as non-existent, or at least excess baggage, in terms of the child’s family. That is the most hurtful aspect of the current homosexual activist position, and they have boxed themselves in by the rhetoric that gender does NOT count in marriages. It’s a lie, and the children will out it, but with much pain. My step-mother forced my sister and I to avoid even talking about our biological mother, because she was so threatened by the thought that she would be a “second-class” mother in other people’s eyes. That is simply cruel. We cannot deny the existence and importance of the opposite sex parent in a child’s life.

  5. I am glad you’ve found peace in your life, however I object to your generalization that all children with homosexual parents feel broken. I know several who have never felt that a piece is missing or that they are broken. They feel quite satisfied with the love of the parents they have. Also, being gay is absolutely not a choice. Why would someone choose to be part of a group that is constantly being degraded and discriminated against? Doesn’t God say to love everyone? It is not our job to judge or discriminate others for wanting to love someone. How is having two loving gay parents worse than heterosexual parents who use drugs, are abusive, or murder people? Those are the things that mess a child up. Not the love of two people who happen to be the same sex. I’m sorry you don’t feel love for your other mom. I’m sure she loves you.

    • How is having two loving gay parents worse than parents who use drugs, are abusive, or murder people? Come on, gay parents are not anymore exempt from those possibilities than are opposite sex parents. The problem is not that they are gay or parents, but that the current debate does not allow recognition of how important sex/gender differences actually are in ALL relationships! This is not a problem of heterosexual intolerance, it is a matter of denial: the reality of how sex differences between men and women actually impact familial relationships, and why that is an important distinction. We need to stop pretending that homo and hetero relationships are the SAME just because they are “loving”; they are simply NOT THE SAME and IT MATTERS! That is why marriage between a man and a woman should be recognized distinctively, because that in and of itself hurts no one! Gay relationships need to be recognized as different without the “second-class” assumption that gays themselves impose.

  6. To Jane Doe. There are many choices we each make every day. People can have feelings toward a child and either make the choice to do something with them or not. I can have feelings toward someone of the same sex, but it’s my choice if I act on it. Also, one of the biggest groups that face persecution are Christians. Why would we choose to become a Christian if we know what persecution we will face? Is a choice, and one we choose every single day. Why? Because of Jesus. So why do people choose to be homosexual…. because it really is a choice. Ask any gay person who’s converted to Christianity.

  7. My concern is not about anyone who chooses to be gay. My concern is the responsibility of choice. Whether you believe it or not, it will not matter when you will have to “give an account of your stewardship”. At that time, it will be too late to make corrections or amendments as Luke 16:19-31 tells us. This is not limited to those who choose to be gay or lesbian alone; it concerns all who choose to be what they want, in opposition to the clear pronouncements of the Bible. It concerns both Jew and Gentile. ALL humankind will have to appear before this great mirror and be judged according to its standard, rather than what each individual believes is right or wrong. The great mirror? …the Bible!

  8. Maybe if we turn back in time, Meg’s mother had chosen to stay with someone she doesn’t love, and turns out that the biological father is not much of a dad, Meg would have wished for 2 mothers. The tragedy of this story is not stemmed from having two moms, the real tragedy began when biological mom had her with someone she doesn’t love.

  9. The “Meg” in question happens to be Heather Barwick, but I will just assume this was written before she went public. Anyhow, I don’t doubt Heather’s misery, but why does she feel the need to use her personal experience in order to make generalizations regarding ALL children raised by gay parents. I mean, here’s this young man’s testimony about being raised by two women.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLnn96n3Lpg

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